today's post is more somber i'm sorry to say.
here are some thoughts on motherhood thus far:
1) i spin artisan cotton candy for fun and for some extra cash once in awhile. i had a gig the other night at a school carnival. the whole time, dirt bike man tried to get a hold of me to no avail. he finally remembered that one of my friends was there too and called her to tell me baby #1 had been crying for 2 hours straight and would not take a bottle. we had just had gotten back from a trip to birmingham earlier that day so of course my mind is thinking the worst (he's sick or something else terrible). i still had a long line of customers, but HAD to close down...even though some people had been waiting in line for at least a good half hour! my friend was so sweet to help gather my stuff with me. she told me "pull your car around and we'll get packed up". i went to grab my car and called dirt bike man. dirt bike man is better with babies than me and can always keep his cool but even he sounded panicked. not to mention i could hear baby #1 wailing in desperation in the background. dirt bike man's trusty friend was over at our house at the time and held baby #1's hand because he didn't know what else to do. so then im in my car about to pull around to the front of the school, but there was a super long line of cars. in my mom-mind, there was no way i would make it back, pack up and get home in a reasonable amount of time. so i took off from there leaving all my stuff behind with my friend! again, in my mom-mind i couldn't make my baby wait any longer. i knew this was shitty to do to my friend and would royally piss her off, but i had to get home at whatever the cost. when i arrived home, baby #1 had finally cried himself to sleep over dirt bike man's lap and at that point could only manage a quivery, breathy cry...my heart was broken. i picked baby #1 up...he was pale and clammy. i know an outsider would think "he cried for 2 hours why would another 30 mins matter?" but to a momma it's literally the worst feeling in the world. babies can manage without their moms or "figure it out" as i have heard some put it, but it is not how i choose to raise my child. of course, i blame myself for it all 1) i shouldn't have planned a gig RIGHT after we got home from a trip knowing that would be a long day for baby #1 and 2) i should have had my phone on me but i didnt assume the worst would happen--i should have though being a mom amiright? baby #1 nursed and pitifully was catching up his breath while nursing :( thanks to dirt bike man and his trusty friend that was over at the time. both went to get my things for me at the school. it ended up just being gas! but he needed to nurse to get it out, haha.
2) i also realize you lose friends at every stage of life. when you start dating someone, when you get engaged, when you get married and when you have a baby. it is sad every time it happens, but at this point i know the series of events. the worst part is the fact people cant get over themselves for one sec to see you are trying your best! or that maybe you do things a little differently than them. the friends that shake out in the end are the keepers.
3) baby #1 likes to fight nap time. i have to been honest i got frustrated at him for the first time this week and it did not feel good. i've read so much about putting baby down to sleep drowsy but still awake to teach them how to "fall asleep on their own". he used to do this, but hasn't been having it the last week. all he would do is cry. so im thinking "ill let him cry himself to sleep". then i can't let him do it because i feel like a terrible mother letting him cry, so i go and pick him up. then this process repeats. and to what end...just so i don't have to nurse him to sleep for fear of other moms' judgement that my child won't fall asleep without me?
baby #1 had a PT appt the other day because he has torticollis (a fancy name to say one side of his neck is stronger than the other). im standing in the office upset because baby #1 had JUST fallen asleep (mind you it was 2 pm at this point and he been up since 7 am) as the therapist calls us into the room. however, looking around there were other children there that were not so fortunate. that was humbling for me and i realized how selfish i was being for being frustrated that my baby's only problem is that he doesn't like to nap! any other moms feel this way sometimes? and then you feel terrible afterwards? and besides if i end up having to nurse him to sleep WHO CARES. i have to get over this and be a mom first and do what baby #1 needs. right now, he needs mom and that's a huge GOD given blessing! in fact, i nursed him to sleep and he is now sleeping his first long nap in days.
4) motherhood is a huge learning curve, but it is so amazing. all the smiles, all the cuddles and all the love are beyond anything i have ever experienced :)
5) in between baby naps, this aqua fresca is quite delicious! :P
mint cucumber lime aqua fresca
1 cucumber, peeled and seeded
1/3 c fresh mint leaves
1 c lime juice
1/2 to 3/4 c. sugar (depending on how lime-y you like things)
2 c water
1) place all ingredients in a blender and blend until completely liquefied. serve with ice!